My one-month vacation at home has just ended. After a long delay and numerous changes, my flight brought me back to Toronto last Sunday night. I was physically exhausted and got sick. One’s physical condition often has a strong impact on the mental status. When I’m sick, i will be more sensitive to and keep pondering on the confusions that are usually hiding in the dark corner of my mind. This time, the issue bothered me is my position in between the two dramatically different realities— my old world in China, and my new world in Canada.

I didn’t feel the conflict of these two worlds until now. Perhaps it is because I’m getting more and more settled to my new life in Canada: I have more and more dear friends in Toronto; my future research path and career vision is getting clearer and clearer. It’s also because, as I grow, I can see more clearly the pain in my loved ones back home. I feel eagerness in my bones to remove the pain from them but I cannot. Hence, I must re-evaluate the new things that I cherish when I was in the arm of my hometown, my old love, whom I still love so deeply. My heart was heavy when I saw my people, especially the loved ones in my family, were struggling. The physical condition of life is pretty good now but the mental and spiritual struggles are haunting them even more. They cannot see it. I can see some but the misunderstandings between us often keeping them out of the reach of my help. Most of time, I can only be a silent listener by their side, which I hope is somewhat helpful.

Now I returned to Toronto, with the images and feelings of my hometown still so real to me, I feel confused about my role between these two worlds. I love my new life and even want to build my future here, but my heart is aching for my people back home. I found my ambition in the new world, but the old world has the home (my parents) I can always return to no matter what I become.

I’m nurtured by both the two worlds. My love for my home land and people fuelled my exploration in the new world. The new experiences in the new world enables me to better love my people in the old world. Yet, I’m still felling sad that my attention and ability is so limited that I can only do one thing at a time. The fear of missing out either one of them bothers me.